Apple Computer: You're Not the Boss of Me Now

This week I joined the 21^st century - at least, in a musical way. Kathy gave me my Christmas gift early and I'm now the proud owner of an Apple iPod Touch. Isn't it purty? Just like on the commercial!

Look, that's my website I'm browsing! Wait, that's THIS ARTICLE! That's like, taking a picture FORWARD IN TIME! Okay, the iPod Touch is not that good. But, um, I am.

I had delayed getting any sort of MP3 player (the Touch is more than that, of course) because I don't listen to much music. I'm "special needs" when it comes to music; I just don't spend much time with it and my taste is rather unevolved. But I decided I wanted this because, you know, maybe if I had music to listen to, it would make me more successful at working out.

So, Kathy was kind enough to give me my gift early, in the name of health and wellness and cool gadgets. But before I could take advantage of all its groovy features, I had to get used to the iPod Touch.

As it turned out, this involved a lot of swearing for the first day.

Most of that is due to the fact that this is an Apple product. I'd say "don't get me started," but I asked for an iPod, so I'm starting myself up. You see, Apple is so convinced that their products are Intuitive and Creative that they don't include any printed documentation. What's available online is pretty abysmal, as well, an embarrassment to instructional technology. The reason I noticed is that I had a simple query: I wanted to know which image formats would be accepted for photos. The answer wasn't in the manual and so I searched the web. For me, a normal search yields my answer within 30 seconds. But to find the answer to THIS question, it took me a full 15 minutes! And where did I find the info? On the Hewlett-Packard website, of all places. Explain that.

(You may wonder why I needed to know about file formats, because anyone could guess that iTunes would accept jpegs. But you see, I didn't want to use jpegs. And I didn't want to test every other format. I just wanted them to give me the damned information!)

This has been my argument with Apple for decades: They want to make devices easy and accessible to everyone. I want to make machines do my bidding. My very special, customized bidding. Not what everyone else wants. What I think up in my complicated little head.

I am happy to accept that I must become an Adept to wield the powers I desire. I don't mind learning secret incantations and fanciful gestures. That's part of the fun. Yet, Apple frowns on this approach. It's like suggesting command-line prompts were ever a good idea, and everyone knows that's just crazy-talk. Why would you NEED to know about file formats or doing things a different way? Just do what everyone else does! They say it's elitist to have an inner sanctum. I say it is elitist to assume everyone wants or needs the same things.

Blah, blah, blah. We've been arguing about this for a while, me and Apple.

Some people have mistaken me for a PC user who has not been enlightened by the ray of light that is Apple, but the truth is, I actually worked for them in the mid-80s. (I also worked for their spin-off company Claris, as well as Taligent, their joint project with IBM and HP.) It's not like I haven't been intimate with their products. It's just that I'm a feisty lass who wants nothing less than Total Control. Apple is about safety and protection. I do not like to be protected. I will protect myself, thank you very much.

And yet, I have been known to recommend a Mac to a friend because I think it is the best choice for him or her. I get the market. Just don't go telling me that Apple products are the One True Choice for the creative person, or I'll smack you upside the head. Gently.

Anyway, back to the iPod Touch. I do digress.

So, seein' as how I stayed in the Stone Age of CDs for so long, given my admitted musical retardation, I had a bit of catching up to do. I had exactly one iTunes track that I purchased in 2004. One. I gathered up what few CDs I had in the car and my office (all soundtracks) and imported them. That included my custom edit of Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, the one I created in a sound editor to match the chronological sequence of the film. Of course.

That night, after my mild success with iTunes, we turned on the TV to see an iPod Touch commercial. Pretty album covers whizzed by on the device. Very pretty. I announced to Kathy that as cool as that looked, I was not going to take the time to add album covers to my CDs (a lot of them are old enough or obscure enough that iTunes wouldn't have the artwork). I mean, really, I have other things to do.

By morning, I wanted artwork for everything. I wanted to be cool, too! It's a sickness.

The iPodpedia book that I ordered just the day before arrived on our doorstep. I immediately skipped to the back to read the "secrets" and learned how to do whatever Apple didn't want me to do. Stoked with power, I went out to the garage to find my CDs, which have been in there since I moved. I never unpacked them because I didn't have a stereo to play them in. As I lugged two full boxes inside the house, I realized that I have an enormous amount of CDs for a musical invalid. A heavy, back-injuring amount. Hmmmm.

I started importing just a few CDs and somehow, by evening, I had added 601 songs to my iTunes library. I had scanned and added artwork for the 30 CDs that iTunes didn't recognize, as well. A few hours later, I had listened to samples of all the tracks and determined which songs I didn't want to bother syncing to my device. I sorted the list three different ways to cull out all the duplicates from compilations. I finally had to make myself stop.

As I closed the door to my office, my mind wandered to the spreadsheet of 80s music that I created several years ago. I recalled that it listed the release year for over 400 songs. Hmmm. I could be a total spaz and add the release year info to each of the songs I had imported from CD. Because, you know, then I could make a playlist just for 1982, if I wanted to. Not that I would waste my time with something like that.

Well, I mean, probably not. Yet.

At 2 a.m., with several gigabytes of spy music, pirate soundtracks, and 80s pop downloaded to my iPod Touch, I found myself thinking about how my "Weird Al" Yankovic collection would have to be next. Now that's real housecleaning music! I snuggled under the covers, listening to Come On, Eileen as a smile played upon my face.

A musical cretin like me totally did not need an iPod. Not at all.

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