Chemo Checkpoint: Day 9
There are people on the breast cancer board who are posting, about their own chemotherapy, "I don't feel any different. Do you think they gave me enough? Is this really working?" They go to events after their chemo infusion, they work full-time without missing a beat, and nobody even knows they are doing chemo.
I really wanted to be one of these women.
Instead, I've had nine days of one thing after the other. I'll spare you the list right now. I comfort myself with the knowledge that it could always be worse - - I could be throwing up constantly or have landed in the hospital with an infection - - but I still wouldn't wish this on anyone. Am I lazy or weak that I'm not fully-functioning throughout? It's hard not to feel like a failure at being a chemotherapy patient!
I'm tired of having to stop to rest once (or even twice!) as I walk up the stairs. I'm tired of having to monitor my vital signs and my bodily functions, then write it all down. And I'm very tired of hearing myself talk about how I feel. My worst fear is that I've turned into a dull, self-absorbed person who can only share her medical history. I can only hope this changes sometime soon.
For all of you out there doing chemo who feel lousy, I'm sending you a big, big hug. When it comes right down to it, this sucks. I'm sorry that you have to do it, too.
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