Crack Birdie

Lately, it seems that I visit the vet at least once a week, sometimes more. Both my girls have chronic illnesses that require vet visits, special diets, and medicines. The whole process can be a bit stressful for them, so on a recent vet trip, I bought a special kitty toy. It seemed innocent enough, maybe something they'd enjoy.

I did not know that soon this toy would control my life.

To be fair, the moment I picked it up, I knew it was a Cool Thing. The MetPet Bird-on-a-Wire Parakeet is just what it sounds like: a parakeet (in this case, made from stuffed fabric) at the end of a long wire. Simple, yet brilliant, because while it resembles many wand-operated cat toys, by exchanging a steel wire for a long string, they elevate it to a new level. Kind of literally, come to think of it, because leveraging the arc that the wire creates, you can easily make the bird not just fly around the room, but up toward the ceiling, too - without getting off the couch. With those darn wand-string toys, I end up having to hop around the entire room to make play enticing. (Why yes, I do have a co-dependent relationship with my cats. Am I not supposed to?)

Once I unwrapped the new toy, Kathy and I settled into the studio to play with the girls. I hoped Lola would be intrigued by the bird, but it was Tilly whose ears pricked up immediately and whose whiskers rotated forward excitedly. We started zooming the birdie around the TV area, and in no time, she was jumping and leaping for it. She did this while murmuring and exclaiming in Tillinese. I think what she says translates to, "I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna eat you, this is SO GREAT!" It's a conversation that she reserves for only the very best toys.

While we both took turns operating the bird, Tilly showed a clear preference for Kathy's style. Kathy would shake the wand every so often, making the bird vibrate tantalizing. She had it land on the ground and jiggle like its wing was broken, then have it desperately (and futilely) try to make flight and escape Killer Tilly. I tended to make the bird soar more, which apparently was no where near as interesting. In Kathy's hands, Tilly wanted the birdie to keep going forever. When she stopped, Tilly would go over to the bird and then look at Kathy, meowing for her to make it go.

Finally, we had to call it a night, so we set the toy down. No, no, Tilly insisted - we had to keep playing! She mirrped and mewed while pawing at the bird's wings, frustrated that we weren't moving it. I explained that the birdie couldn't play anymore; it was tired. It had to restore its manna points and that was going to take ALL NIGHT to recharge. Tilly looked at me stubbornly (have you ever seen a tabby with a set to her jaw?) but I did not relent. Finally, she settled down.

The next morning, I stumbled out of bed early to feed Tilly, set her dish down in the bedroom, and crawled back into bed. She took a few bites of her food and then all of a sudden, she looked up and ran into the studio. I heard her yipping oddly, so I got out of bed to see what was up. She was sitting by the bird, looking up at me expectantly. "It's morning now," she seemed to be saying. "It's all better. Make it GO!"

And so began the Crack Birdie addiction. From here forward, nothing was as important as Crack Birdie. Not food, not love...there is only The Birdie.

Make. It. GO!

Because she liked Kathy's vibration method of play, I tried to imitate it. Only, without realizing it, I was making the bird vibrate constantly, which quickly turned it into Grand Mal Seizure Bird. Tilly REALLY loved that and made it clear that this was now the only way to play with it. She insisted that it vibrate all the time.

Coincidentally, within 24 hours, a mysterious pain began radiating from my forearm and elbow. Hmmm, wonder what caused that. So, did I stop? I'll just say that you'd be surprised how hard it is to resist a cuddly, big-eyed tabby who just wants to play. Ow.

Tilly's connection to Crack Birdie started to become supernatural. It seemed that all I had to do was think of the bird and Tilly would run over to it with a happy and expectant mrrp. In the morning, it was Crack Birdie. In the afternoon, Crack Birdie. She didn't want to go to bed because maybe she could stay up a little longer ... with Crack Birdie. Crack Birdie, Crack Birdie, Crack Birdie.

I don't know why I'm writing this in the past tense; it's not like we've stopped doing it! Trying to stop was futile. In fact, at one point, I found myself shouting at Tilly, "You only love me for my ability to operate Crack Birdie!"

I really should have known better, because before there was Crack Birdie, there was The Puff. That's when I first learned how obsessive Tilly is. The Puff was a bit of marabou feathers at the end of a long wand and a string. For six years running, it was the Best Toy Ever, one that I frequently hid from Tilly to see if she'd just stop thinking about it for a few days.

Little did I know, The Puff was a gateway toy to the Crack Birdie.

In one of the afore-mentioned trips to the vet, I mentioned Tilly's obsession with her doctor. What should I do? Her doctor sighed and said, "You know, female cats are the hunters of the species. This is their great joy in life. My advice is to let her play with it all she wants."

Thanks, doc. You're not the one who has to operate this thing.

However, she does have a point-one of the reasons I love girl cats, after all, is their hunter persona-and so maybe I just need an out-of-the-box solution.

Like...what would happen if I bought one of those famous Hitatchi wand massager things and retrofit it to secure the Crack Birdie wand inside? I could maybe come up with some sort wounded bird sound effect, too, that would play when I turned it on. Set to Deep Fat Fry, or whatever the high setting is on those things, Tilly would be tracking Grand Mal Seizure bird across the room for hours - all while I watched Doctor Who, pain-free.

And hey, this strategy could pay off in more ways than one. I'm pretty sure that with a few tweaks of the design, I could get Make Magazine interested. Add an LED light display, and the "Psychedelic Crack Birdie Vibratron" project would be ready for publication!

Yeah, that's the ticket! Now, where's my graph paper?

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