Crossing over to the Dark Side

July 10th, 2006

For various reasons, one place I never eat at is McDonald's restaurants. You can probably guess any number of reasons. I never have a weak moment where it seems appealing, either. Well, until now…when they started offering Dead Man's Chest pirate toys with Happy Meals.

Dun-da-dun-dun-DUN!

I like to imagine that I am strong and principled, but all that really means is that my price is often out of reach. However, all it took was a little licensing deal with Disney, and McD's has me trolling their locations every couple of days to see who has the new stuff. It's embarrassing, yet even fear of discovery doesn't make me stop.

So, what do I think of the food? Who knows! I actually buy the Happy Meal and THROW THE FOOD AWAY! Great, I'm now committing crimes against the earth! Where will it end? Regrettably, though, I can't even manage to summon up any guilt about it, either, because I just scored the coolest divination tool – the pirate Aye ball!

Plastic skull with a pirate eyepatch that flips up

It's just like a Magic Eight Ball only way cooler. You ask your question, shake the skull, then lift the eye patch to get the answer. If you're me, you also shine a really bright flashlight into the eye socket, because the answer to your question appears in teeny, tiny writing, sized for 10-year old eyes.

Some of the possible answers include:

  • Walk the Plank!
  • Yo Ho Maybe So!
  • Aye Captain
  • Nay Scallywag
  • Yes! Me hearties!
  • The seas look rough

It's too good to be true! All my important decisions can now be made in a snap. Hmmm, I may need more than one. One for the office, one for the car…yeah, that's the ticket.

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