Don't Tell Me I'm Fine
It's hard being stuck in limbo and in terms of my breast cancer journey, that's exactly where I am. I'm like the Tarot card "The Hanged Man," suspended upside-down. Waiting. It's going to be that way until after surgery when we find out the status of my lymph nodes (to see if the cancer has spread) and get the pathology report describing important attributes of the cancer.
I can't help but be aware of all the possible variables that could come into play. The best case is that this is a small, non-aggressive tumor and my lymph nodes are clear. That would mean six and a half weeks of radiation after my lumpectomy.
However, if the pathology shows an aggressive cancer, if the cancer has spread, or the Oncotype-DX shows a high chance of recurrence, I may need to undergo chemotherapy. If the cancer is Her-2/Neu positive, I may need a year of a systemic I.V. drug called Herceptin. And if the cancer has spread, I may need more surgery.
So, as you can see, there are a lot of unanswered questions that will dictate how my treatment proceeds. And yet, a lot of people, including my surgeon, insist on telling me that I will be just fine. They say that this will be no big deal, just surgery and radiation and then my life will return to normal. Just like that!
I know they intend this to reassure me, but their bright-eyed remarks have exactly the opposite effect. I get agitated. The more people tell me I'm fine, the more I want to shout, "Stop telling me I'm fine, we don't yet KNOW if I'm fine!"
I'm not try to be a Negative Nelly and it's not that I suspect bad news is to come. It's just that, for an analytical person like me, I can't help but suspect someone's judgment (or motives) when they reassure me without data. This is true especially if they are in a position of authority, like my surgeon. If you reassure me without knowing what you are talking about, I'm going to start thinking you aren't a credible source of information or comfort.
But maybe more than that, it makes me feel invalidated. I feel like I'm being patted on the head and told to run along. I expect to hear people add, "Don't worry your pretty little head about that cancer thing, we'll take care of it." Yeah, I think, let's see how you feel when it's your breast under the microscope. We'll see if you are comforted by mindless assurances that you are going to be fine.
Even though these comments drive me batty, I don't tell people how I feel. That's because I'm pretty sure I'll sound negative if I argue the matter of just how fine I actually am. (And hey, in some respects, I'm mighty fine!) Also, I can't help but wonder if some people are talking to themselves more than me. They want me to be fine. Do I really want to make them nervous?
Maybe I'm the only one who gets twitchy in a situation like this. I'd be curious to hear what others think. In the meantime, though, it's okay to just tell me you are thinking good thoughts for me.
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