The End of Gracious Living
Yesterday I read the mammogram report that I had shoved into my tote bag after this week's visit with the oncologist. (It got mixed up with the printouts of PHP code for a website; I'm such a geek!) The radiologist reported "Surgical biopsy recommended."
Of course, now I'm wondering...does that mean "surgical surgical" biopsy? Or could that also include a stereotactic core needle biopsy? The oncologist said that the surgeon could decide to wait a few months and recheck it instead. I don't know if I like any of these options. Although, if I were her, I'd do the stereotactic core needle biopsy, because that's the one way they can target the precise area without a lump to feel. But I don't want to go through that.
It's funny; I felt different the first time around with the lump in my breast. Even though I had definite concerns that it was cancer, I did a good job in distracting myself as much as possible and trying not to project too far ahead. I really worked on being patient and taking each moment as it came. However, it's hard to do that this time around. After spending the last 10-1/2 months practicing graciousness, I feel like I've run out. I want to cover my breasts with my arms and tell everyone to back away slowly. Being poked and cut again is the last thing I want.
At the same time, I need to know what's going on. A "wait-and-see" approach could drive me crazy. Spending time thinking about what it would mean if this is a recurrence does me little good, yet I don't know how to avoid thinking about it. I know too much about what treatment is like now.
Really, I just don't want to do this again. I am tired and I want my normal life back. I guess it's just not time yet.
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