Marrying Johnny Depp

My dream world is very rich; I tend to have long, complicated dreams that, if I take the time to write them down, fill pages. Thank goodness I don't always remember the entire dreams or I'd spend my mornings distracted by the plots. As it is, I usually remember just portions, knowing that they are part of a much larger whole.

The other day, I awakened from one of those lengthy, twisty dreams to remember one distinctive highlight: I married Johnny Depp.

Yep, I married The Man. Little ole me. But don't ask me about our heart-pounding first meeting, our crazy international courtship, or what kind of sun-spattered, bohemian wedding we had, because I don't know. I mostly remember this: after I married him, I divorced him.

I burst into laughter when I recalled this important detail over my breakfast. I'm lucky I didn't spray coffee everywhere. I mean, who the heck dreams of divorcing Johnny Depp? After all, he's the ultimate avatar of artistic role modeling. The guy who plays the roles that echo my life processes with eerie accuracy. The one I'd pay money to interview about the creative process. Mr. Fabulous, himself.

But, you know, it just didn't work out.

"It was the smoking, wasn't it?" my sister asked. (Of course I told her about this. I mean, if you divorced Johnny Depp, isn't your sister the first person you'd call?)

I said no, it wasn't the smoking. It was actually because, as wonderful as Johnny is, it turns out that he is still very much a guy. And I'm still very much a lesbian. You can try to see past those things for a while, but sooner or later, it catches up with you.

"Considering who we're talking about," she said, "I'd think we might be able to overlook that 'man' stuff."

Easy for her to say -- she's straight! Would she stay married to Catherine Zeta-Jones? Well, would she?

At least I can thank my crazy unconscious mind for giving me a good chuckle. And, I suppose, 'yay me' for not selling out my orientation. Look what solid personal values I maintain, even in the dream world!

Although, between you and me, if there is any reason on earth to sell out, it's Johnny Depp. On that, I imagine, we have an accord.

P.S. Sincere apologies to Vanessa Paradis, Johnny's lovely partner and the mother of his children. My unconscious mind meant no disrespect.

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