Oh, the Self-Indulgence of It All

While doing not-yet-visible web development work in the background, I've been struggling lately over... what on earth am I going to write in my blog? Does anyone actually want to read my mental meanderings? Isn't blogging terribly self indulgent?

It's the kind of thinking that doesn't get anywhere because, for the most part, blogs are self-indulgent. Of course they are! It didn't matter to me before-I still love the blogs of others that I have time to follow. Yet the latest surge in Twittering and Facebook updating makes me wonder, what really makes something interesting? Do I need to know some of what's being shared? Is it going to make my life any richer? Because, from what I can see, a few people could use a filter on their output. Or is that just me that can use the filter?

I'm so glad I'm not the type of person to think myself into tight spirals.

Tomorrow, there will be little time for blogging as I will be visiting UCSF for my re-check. (Maybe I've finally found a use for Twitter - there's always good in-the-moment material when you're visiting a cancer center.) Re-check day is pretty much my least favorite kind of day, because I keep thinking... can't these people let the cancer thing GO already? Would they please stop obsessing? I tend to think of it as the time in my life when I learned to shave my head and collected wig anecdotes to share with others. Why do these medical types have to turn it into such a downer? Sheesh.

Yesterday I was talking to someone who has known me a very long time. She said it's funny that most the time, she forgets I ever had cancer. She doesn't think of me as a survivor. She knows I went through it - she saw me regularly when I was sporting pink or lilac hair - but that's not what I'm about. And it's true that, even though I easily share stories from that time, I don't connect with it being about the heavy topic of cancer. Just, "Wasn't that really weird and wrong?"

But when re-check time rolls around, I resent that I'm forced to think about it and consider everything that is going on in my body. I'm asked to obsess and worry, almost. Any bump on my body or skin change becomes something I should ask about, which desperately I hope the professionals will dismiss. And at the same time, I know I must be my own advocate and that professional dismissal does not always mean everything is okay. Again with the tight spirals of thinking! It totally works against my naturally, carefree nature. (Ha!)

So, let me shake off my preoccupation with how boring it may be when I share the latest thing that cracked me up each day, and I'll get going again. Even if I'm just talking to myself now.

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