Positive Attitudes: All Powerful...or Maybe Just Warm and Cozy?
If you were to meet me during cancer treatment, you might be misled about my approach to cancer. Given the flamboyant wigs I wore, the way I'd cheer up other patients and entertain the medical staff, you might think I was one of those folks who believed the great cancer myth of positive thinking. You know, the one that says,"You have to keep a positive attitude if you want to survive this disease. Attitude is everything."
I'm here to tell you attitude is not everything. It is so not. I'm just naturally perky, with cancer or without. And this has nothing to do with my status of being cancer free.
But the Positive Thinking Brigade would like to congratulate me, nonetheless. They like to point out that I am a sterling example of how with love, gratitude, and giggles, one can overcome even the dark specter of cancer and go on to live the good life. I am an inspiration.
Oh, please. I'm not that stupid. If having a positive attitude led to overcoming cancer, a whole bunch of lovely, upbeat people would not have died from the disease. Mean, bitter people would not have lived. Yet they have!
A positive attitude helps you get through the day, if you can come by it authentically. It does not enable you to cheat death, if death is in the cards for you. It's a sad truth, but whether we are getting hit by a car, taken down by cancer, or releasing our last breath in a peaceful sleep, very few of us get to choose our method of leaving this world. What's interesting, though, is that only the most rabid of Positive Thinkers would suggest that the car accident victim could have stopped his fate by smiling more often and forgiving a few more people. But cancer? Well, obviously, that's totally different. With that, your fate is in your hands.
Right.
It may seem that the message to 'think positive" is innocent enough. What's so wrong about encouraging someone to laugh more and not take things so hard? Well, nothing...as long as it doesn't invalidate what they truly feel. The problem is, the Positive Thinking Propaganda has a two-way message. On the one hand, it promises health and wellness to those who get it right. On the other, it blames the patient for her own decline if she cannot manage the attitude.
In the grips of a serious illness, it's normal for someone to feel depressed, scared, angry, or sad. It's not always possible to just set those feelings aside. And yet, people are being told that if they don't turn those frowns upside down, they might be hastening speed to their own demise.
Mon dieu! I don't know about you, but I think the last thing a patient needs is to become afraid of feeling her honest feelings, whether at a conscious or unconscious level. The idea that her very life might be at stake because she got caught up in anger or couldn't work her way out of depression is way too much to handle. No one wants to stay stuck in an emotion that brings them down and I'm not saying depression and fear is helpful. But it is real, and you can't work through the feelings if you are trying to side step them altogether, pretending you don't feel what you do.
I say this all with power and feeling, and yet, it took me a full eight months to get around to posting this piece. Eight months! I went through many rewrites and restarts, always abandoning the article at the last minute. Why? Because I was afraid - afraid of hurting someone's feelings, challenging an idea that is so popularly held, or giving readers the wrong impression of my point. Namby-pamby blogger, that's me...at least on this topic.
What spurred me to finally post this was the recent news story releasing the results of a study done by the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, showing that, regrettably, cancer patient survival is not indicated by the patient's emotional state. The scientist leading the study said, "I wish it were true that cancer survival was influenced by the patient's emotional state. But given that it is not, I think we should stop blaming the patient."
Yes. Thank you. And what a scaredy-cat I am to not post this until I could point at that study and say, see? It's not just me who thinks this! Truth is, I thought this without the study. And even if the study is later found to be at fault, I stand by my point.
You see, I understand that we want to think that we can exert some control over death through our outlook. I also understand that if we think sick people can do something to make themselves better, our own lives seem less threatened by uncertainty. I am not immune to thinking these thoughts. It's okay. And it's okay to let these thoughts go when it turns out that they do not help us support someone who is in emotional and physical crisis.
But I did say that I was worried my argument would give people the wrong impression and that's where we get into the gray area. You see, as a naturally upbeat person, I did manage 'the attitude' (without effort) for much of my treatment. And honestly? It was a gift. Finding the humor in even the most humiliating of treatments, connecting with other patients and enticing them to laugh, and feeling the simple joys of everyday life made a difference. The days were not as long as they could have been and I was not as alone while I felt this connection. When sickness and fatigue took me down, it was just a matter of time before the pleasure of living brought me back. Without this, my experience would have been tortuous.
All the same, I know I was just riding the wave, in the only way I could, just as I continue to do. I don't know if I will have a recurrence or if I will remain cancer-free. It is my belief that cancer will not take me down. Yet, in a battle like this, I know that you don't win the ultimate game until you die from something else. Hey, I'm in no hurry to see the final score. Let's just say I'm ahead, and leave it at that!
For those of you reading this who are dealing with a serious illness, whatever it may be, my hope for you is that you allow yourself the space to feel your real feelings, without censorship. I wish for you the love and support that will allow you to crack a smile or feel that deep belly-laugh when you are able. And wherever you are in your journey, I wish you gentleness (my theme of the week) in accepting whatever it is that you can or cannot manage. It's okay.
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Alix, I read this on Friday and wanted to stand up and applaud!
The "positive thinking"myth, has had such
an impact through my years of ongoing illness. I went from
wanting it to be true --that way if I could think even more
positively I could cure myself-----to the dissapointment that
no matter how positively I looked at life, it didn't cure me.
Through the years I've come to define "positive thinking" as finding the silver lining, the humor in my illness and life experience. It helps me cope (as well as those around me), and to experience life as fully as possible.
What a relief to read this post Alix. It felt so good to learn about the research study, to read your thoughts and experiences. I feel relieved to be able to further release the self-judgments that the "positive thinking as cure and out-come" myth have brought about in my life. Thank you! Kerry
I'm so glad you blogged about this. I am in the middle of learning to let myself off the hook for my own personal conditions, which is quite a radical concept for me. :)
Thank you for, once again, saying so eloquently what I've been thinking.
I have been blessed with a somewhat pragmatic approach to my breast cancer, and as I pass the halfway mark in my chemo I'm never sure how to handle the very gracious and heartfelt compliments on my "sprit" and such. Mostly I try to be gracious right back and just say "thanks". But for people who know me better, I feel compelled to explain that I'm not sure how else to be, and so I'm really not comfortable taking credit for this "upbeat attitude" which is just part of my make-up.
I actually did have some young pup, early in my diagnosis, explain to me how important a positive attitude was and it kind of ticked me off. But I decided, he's young, and scared, and those little aphorisms can be helpful in those situations, so I let him off the hook. :-) Take care and keep blogging, Alix. Thanks!
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