Post-Chemo Hair
When I was ten years old, my mother went through chemotherapy for breast cancer. I don't have a lot of clear memories of this time; they all come in flashes. Mostly, they are flashes of her feeling very sick, or doing arm exercises for lymphaedema, or wearing her wig and trying to stay upright, taking care of everything that needed to be taken care of.
One more coherent memory that I have, though, is later, when her hair grew back. As with most people, her hair came back gray and white. She hated it and bought hair color to fix it. But, she couldn't lift her left arm over her head to apply it, so she asked me if I would please help her color her hair.
I must have been eleven or so at that time, and I remember fussing and complaining, trying to find a way out of doing it. I didn't know how to color hair. It would be hard. But my mom said please, and I could see in her eyes that she really, really wanted this. She could not live with this hair. So, I did it.
Afterwards, she was so grateful that I felt embarrassed. My embarrassment came from knowing that I was grumbling to myself the entire time; hardly an attitude worthy of thanks. But for her, what mattered was that her hair looked a little more like what she recognized as her own, and perhaps that her daughter helped her make it so.
Thirty years later, I think I understand more of how she felt. I am now ten months out of chemo, struggling with short, charcoal gray, weird-textured hair that I cannot recognize as my own. While grateful to have any hair at all, most days I'd rather hide out than show the world this mess on top of my head.
Any applications of hair color have responded unpredictably so far, which is an experience that my mother went through, too. For her, the source of trouble was the white lock of hair that grew back near her hairline. It just wouldn't take color no matter what she did. For me, it's the way my hair seems to shift color days after the application, finding the ugliest shade to turn.
Four weeks ago, I had my stylist dye it two shades of red. Within a couple of days, part of it turned orange and the other part turned magenta - and not in that cool, artsy way. More in that, "I have no sense of color" way. Porcelain skin is a bit unforgiving.
Tomorrow, though, I'm heading to a new stylist (one skilled with post-chemo hair) to see if she can set this to rights. My hairstyling goals, once elaborate and specific, have now become simple. No exotic hair color, no mixes of shades. Just make it look presentable so I can leave the house.
I wish I'd understood, all those years back, that this was all my mother wanted, too.
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This may sound a little strange, and also a little after-the-fact, but I color my hair with natural henna.. I have some sensitivity to chemicals, and the ones used in hair dyes (non-ammonia ones even) can give me something like a burn on my scalp. Ow. They fade really bad, to boot! Anyway, the henna gives me a nice natural looking auburn color on my brown hair, and it doesn't fade. :) I've heard from other ladies that it also covers resistant greys, too.. Maybe it would work for your hair?
Henna sounds like a good idea. My latest hairstylist has done a great job on the color with more traditional dyes, and we also cut off the last of the chemo-crazed hair. Everything else is still now gray, unfortunately, but it is much healthier hair. She dyes it brown and then does a red glaze over that. So far it is working well, but I will keep henna in mind when I want to try something different. OW on your scalp burns -- I can see why you're happier with henna!
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