Proud to be a Home Improvement Dork
Do you know who Pat Simpson is? He's the guy on HGTV who hosts shows like Fix it Up, Before & After, and Room to Improve. He endorses a number of home improvement products, too. Pat is a genial, down-to-earth guy from Alabama. Warm and friendly, he makes home improvement topics seem simple and accessible. He's taught me all sorts of things about everything from routers and rasps to countersink bits and countertops. In short, he's my hero.
In fact, I don't think it wouldn't be going too far to say that Pat and I have a special connection. Every time I'm wondering how to do something around the house, I turn on the TV (usually on a Saturday morning) and he demonstrates exactly what I wanted to know. Now, that sounds like an exaggeration, but Kathy knows it's true. She knows because I would tell her, "It's all well and good for this show to cover granite countertops, but we're putting in laminate at the other house. I'd like to see that!" Ten minutes later, Fix it Up starts and voila! Pat and Jodi are installing laminate countertops.
The first couple times, it was a coincidence. After a dozen coincidences in 8 months, I realized…Pat is my home improvement god! (I want him to be my fantasy dad, but he's not old enough.)
Well, the other day I was talking to my handyman, going over plans for the house, when he dropped a bombshell on me. He told me that Pat Simposon would be at the Orchard Supply Hardware How-To Fair – THIS weekend! I looked it up and squealed when I saw that my hero would be not only speaking, but signing autographs, too!
So, the night before the fair, I got this great idea (with Kathy's help) to have Pat sign something special: my beloved Makita drill. Can you imagine? My favorite tool signed by my favorite home improvement guru! FAN ME.
I tossed a fresh black Sharpie into my tote bag, along with the drill, then spent the night and morning worrying about the details. This is a post 9/11 world. What if they don't let me bring the drill in? What if they think it's a weapon? What if he won't sign because it is a violation of his existing endorsements?
Kathy said, "Just put the drill in your tote bag!"
Erring on the side of caution, I removed the battery back from my lovely teal tool before slipping it into my girlie-girl tote bag. The day was gloomy as we walked across the damp parking lot of the fairgrounds. I clutched my tote bag nervously, but as it turns out, no one searched anyone at this free event—they just hand you a free OSH bucket and you are on your way.
We arrived early, of course, because I just knew there would be two hundred people waiting to see him. Of course. But as it turned out, I was off by maybe a factor of ten. I sat in the audience, beaming like a 5-year old while Pat talked tools. After he wrapped up the talk, I approached him shyly. I geekily shared my secret connection, then asked (trying hard not to blush), "Would you sign my drill for me?
Thank the gods—he said, "Sure!"
We followed protocol and waited until autograph signing time. I took out my drill and Sharpie. Kathy knew I had worried in advance about where he would sign it so that my sweaty hands wouldn't rub it off later on. Pat picked up the drill and began turning it around, explaining that he was looking for a good place to sign where it wouldn't rub off. Kathy stared at me like, "You both are weird."
I thanked him for providing my educational foundation in home improvement, but I confessed that my own fix-it experiences seem to involve a lot more swearing. He shared that they usually show blooper reels at the shows and he thinks of them more as bleeper reels, because almost every word has to be bleeped out. Apparently Jodi (his co-star) swears like a sailor.
After this magical exchange, I took my freshly enscribed drill and gently placed it in my free buck. I then spent the day grinning like an idiot.
"Pat Simpson signed my drill! Pat Simpson signed my drill! WOO-HOO!"
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