Searcher's Roundup, 2009: Vol 1
It's been a long time since I've done a review of the most notable searches that lead people to my website. I have so much data to sift through, it's crazy! (And sometimes scary!)
As I continue to sift, I've pieced together installment one for 2009. Remember, these are actual phrases that people typed into Google that somehow took them to this site. I do not edit them.
when you burn a jerusalem cricket - oh, I know where this is going. You want to know if burning a Jerusalem Cricket releases its soul into the ether. Well, the answer is a big flat NO, because they HAVE no souls in the first place. Niños de los Terros, my ass. Creepy outer space potato bugs are what they are! And everyone knows that only creatures of Planet Earth have souls...right?
nancy drew - who will save your soul - Ooooooh, Nancy is in more trouble that I thought. But you worry about her, how sweet. Just remember, if anyone can find a way to redeem her own soul, it's our Girl Detective. Go Nancy, go! You're on the job!
what does mpaa partial nudity mean - I'm going to just take a stab at this on my own: not all the way nude. Half-dressed. Almost nekked. Unless...do you think that the MPAA uses this as a euphemism in their film ratings? What on earth could it be a euphemism for?
weird behavior in cats after putting up christmas tree - Weird behavior? Wel, gee, I don't know, maybe they were feeling a little pressured, wondering, "What the heck are these humans gonna ask us to do next? Put up the outside lights, too? We're NOT THE ONE WITH THUMBS, you know."
timeline caulk - I think this is what the Doctor (as in Doctor Who) uses in dire cases when the timeline has gone askew. You know that door-and-window caulk that you use around the house? Well, maybe this is like...time portal caulk. Yeah! Maybe sonic screwdriver, among all those other uses, doubles as a timeline caulking gun, too! Handy.
how to tell if you have mice or rats - Because so very many people search on this question-and you know I'm terribly touched that this is the place that you come to for answers like this-I will actually tell you. You find out whether you have rats or mice (or even squirrels!) by examining the evidence they leave behind. And the key word here is behind. Yeah, you figure out whatcha got by the size and shape of their poo. And those smart pest control guys? They actually carry laminated cards with pictures of poo to use for identification. I've seen 'em! Now, I'm not going to go so far as to supply you with links to rodent scat charts - that's one search you can do on your own. (And by the way, I am shocked to realize that every post of mine this month has now mentioned poo - this has got to stop!)
little girls in underwear - ew, ew, EW! YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD! Not talk of rodent scat, but you!
my spider instincts - Wow, Spiderman turns to my website for insight and advice? I am shocked. And honestly, a bit chuffed, too.
pictures of the cows - This seems an innocent enough search. But notice that the searcher is not searching for pictures of any cows. He or she wants THE cows. The cows in my backyard? Or the band from Minneapolis? I don't know!
storage solutions monkeys - This is just another example of consumerism gone wild. Let me buy you a clue: stop buying so many monkeys and you won't have to waste your precious time searching for ways to store 'em!
Now, if I totally read this wrong and you really want to store things INSIDE of monkeys, well then, all I can say is that you have a world of disappointment ahead of you. I've never gotten past five marbles, and trust me, they ain't so easy to retrieve when you need 'em later.
why do girls put their phone in their back pocket? - Let's see, because they are wearing jeans that have no front pockets? Or because, if they put them in their front pocket, they're worry that they'd look a little too happy to see you? (Of course, maybe if they kept their phones on vibrate, they might start liking that front pocket position just a weeeee bit more. Although, frankly, I've never gotten used to the text message vibrate on my iPhone, and have been known to jump about a foot in the air in public when Kathy texts me.)
why are there no warning labels on lemon juice - Warnings about what, exactly? That it's tart? That your face will contort unattractively if you drink it? Or that it might turn your butter knife with the pretty roses on the handle all black as it eats away at the metal, in the event that you forget to wash up properly after sneaking a slice of lemon meringue pie after midnight? (Um, not that that the last bit happened to me.)
superhero name for aluminum - According to Brit-Man, "aluminum" is Superman's name for more correct aluminium. He claims that the only reason "aluminum" became popular is that all these Americans in the late 1930s wanted to sound like Superman, even though it first occurred as a typo in the comic book. Brit-Man has a bit of 'tude about this and also says the whole thing is stupid, because everyone knows aluminium is the only way to say it.
how to tell your cancer girl that you love her - awwww, you love your cancer girl. I'm all mushy about that. Proclaim your love to her anyway you want -- gosh, just try shouting it out in a public place! But, um, gentle suggestion: when you do so, don't call her "CANCER GIRL." Just her first name will do.
song, l love the pants mostly, mom sewed - okay, so must be a song out there with lyrics like this. Whether it's a traditional folk song or a Phoebe Buffay original, I don't know, but I can't help suspecting that the lyrics go something like this:
Mom sewed, Mom sewed
With a needle and a thread
she sewed for me
Day and night I heard the whirr
of the sewing machine in front of her
And I love the pants
yes I love the pants
yeah I love the pants
that she for made me!
Well, mostly....
(Be glad this isn't an audio podcast. Because I thought of making it one!)
And on that note, we close volume 1 of the Searcher's Roundup for 2009. Stay tuned for more volumes to come! And remember, search responsibly!
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