Those Crazy Internet Searchers…
As loyal readers know, I periodically review the searches that lead people to my site. Originally, I started doing this for site-optimization purposes, but lately, it's become more about entertainment value. Yeah, you think you're just looking for answers on line, but there is a small chance that you are also cracking me up.
Here's the best of my latest crop, by category.
Category 1: If only I could respond real-time
Good side telling the truth to patient - Uhhhh, you needed to look for a "good side" in this endeavor? 'Because it's the right thing to do' is not sufficient? I think I've had you for my doctor once upon a time.
No gowns at my gyno office - Holy cow. I suggest you grab your things and sidle out the back door. Run, don't walk.
Do mice turn into rats? - No, but I should warn you that housecats can turn into pumas.
My aunt made me wear girls slacks - Er, were you just compelled to make a confession to Google, or are you looking for camaraderie?
Another name for gaurage sale - Oh, I don't know. Maybe...GARAGE sale?
Importance of thinking - It pains me that people are searching for an answer.
Nutritional value deepfried packaged noodles - You mean, the answer "absolutely none" wasn't implied by the question?
Category 2: And just how would I know?
Is my waist too big? - Isn't that always the way? People wait until the day after the government removes the hidden surveillance webcams from their home to ask questions requiring visual info. And here we thought you didn't know we could see you!
Why does my teenage daughter use so much deodorant? - Let me take a wild guess: she doesn't want to be stinky and turn off the hottie who sits next to her in Biology class?
What will my breasts look like in 20 years? - I feel fairly confident in answering: Not. So. Perky.
Where to put my first tattoo? - In the front of your neck, where more people can admire it while you talk. Just trust me on this.
Category 3: Inside the minds of lesbian fetishists
Lesbians in hair rollers - I get a lot of these searches. Can someone help me understand exactly why this is hot? On second thought, nevermind. I don't think want to know.
Movies of lesbians washing hair - Incomprehensible as this is to me, a cottage industry with tantalizing potential is unfolding in my brain as we speak. Youtube, WATCH OUT!
Cake decorating lesbian - Okay, now this is something I can get behind: Cake and lesbians! Woo-hoo!
Category 4: Pirate-wannabes don't always win spelling bees
eye eye captain meaning - um, you're not going to get too far with that, mate.
preparation before ship at dork - Hee, hee, hee...at dork! Ship at dork! "Capt'n, should we weigh anchor?" "No, we'll stay at dork a wee bit longer." Snort! (I am so easy.)
Category 5: Some searchers have real chutzpah
You come to my home and sale all my stuff - I take it, 'and that's an order' is implied?
Who will paint me house? - Uhhhh....
Cancer patient actual home number and email address - because yes, of course there SHOULD be a site where you can find the addresses and phone numbers of actual cancer patients who don't mind strangers showing up on their doorsteps. I don't see why there wouldn't be!
Category 6: The breast of the rest
I want my breast to stand up again what will I do - Spritz your breasts each morning and evening with chilled rose water. You must use the kind that is made from the petals of Turkish roses and is distilled in France. All the better if it is blended with the tears of angels. If that's not available, I recommend a pulley system.
How can I make my breasts huge like a stripper - you need a tank of helium and a bicycle pump. The rest you can figure out for yourself.
Bug breasts - Okay, I think you meant 'big' breasts, but if you didn't...well, you've got a pretty specialized fetish going on there, I must say. I thought there was a website for everything, but maybe not.
Breast torture devices for sale - Now this is something I can help out with. What you want to do is go to the lingerie section of any large department store and look in the full-figured section, under 'underwire.' If you stick to DDD cup sizes and up, I guarantee you'll find a bunch of them.
Boob ship - Hmmm. Boob ship. Clearly, there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in my philosophy. I have no response to that.
And there you have it...a brief survey of the accidental tourists of my website. Curious lot, aren't they?
Stay tuned until next time when I reveal more of what your fellow Internet citizens are searching for. Until then, I'll leave you wondering about just what your co-worker is typing into that search page. Maybe he's looking for cheap fares to Las Vegas...or maybe not.
Read the July 2007 search installment here
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"Importance of thinking - It pains me that people are searching for an answer."
I believe I have some of these people for clients :)
OMG, and I thought the searches that found my blog were weird. YOURS take the cake. Lesbians in hair rollers?? Is ANYONE in a hair roller "hot"? OMG.
I read these to David and I thought he was going to split a gut! People are Weird!!!
Just wait until you see what I searched. "Johnny Depp is not human" because I was looking for a site that displays his defiance of Father Time. (He honestly doesn't look like he's aged over the last twenty years at all.)
Cheers!
LOL! Now there's a good search. ;-) Thanks for laying claim to those keywords -- I'm sure I would have copied them into my little file during my next analytics review.
You just never know how people will find you site these days, but I agree, it's quite entertaining!
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