We're All Searching for Something…

Note: When I wrote this post three days ago, I planned to put it online Thursday. However, I ended up posting Hairstyling: A Cautionary Tale, instead, to perk up a friend who needed it. As luck would have it, another esteemed blogger posted something on the same topic as this on Friday, tempting me to delete my own piece. Kathy convinced me otherwise, so here it is.

On a regular basis, while checking my website analytics, I review the searches people do to lead them to my site. It's a good way for me to see what people are looking for, how search engines are indexing my material, and get ideas for new content. It's also, as it turns out, a great way to get a good chuckle or two as I read the crazy ways people end up on my site. Although, crazy is definitely in the eyes of the beholder.

For example, the following searches might seem odd, but they lead to legitimate blog entries on this site:

how to get rid of cooties - short answer: the hokey pokey. Long answer: read my post.

lesbian chocolates - can chocolates even BE lesbian? Sure, what the hell!

geekfest 2007 - apparently I'm not the only one who celebrates such an event.

snugglepants - I'm proud to say that, at the moment, I am the number #1 Google search result for snugglepants. Yay, Lola Pie!

jerusalem cricket creature from hell - smart searcher. Jerusalem Crickets are from hell!

comely wenches - Of COURSE my site is a nexus for comely wenches. Who would think otherwise! (Heh.)

rats eating mice - It's important to diversify. My site even address that gross and disgusting issue.

But as far as many of the other search queries...well, I just don't know what people were thinking. For example:

bad real estate agent...um, because you be needin' a particularly awful one? Hoping, perhaps, to find the "sucky Realtor" directory?

lesbians washing hair - Because lesbians are so hot when we do that, no doubt. Yeah, but you just wait until you see us brush our teeth!

definition slut - Oh, good to see this takes you directly to my site! Is that equivalent to, "Look up 'slut' in the dictionary, and you'll see her website next to the definition"?

jury duty excuse Vicodin - Yeah, I think we can all see where you're going with this. Short answer: no.

when did crime become crime? Er, when it was named...crime? This is one of those Minority Report questions, isn't it? Pre-crime vs. crime or some-such? Or do you plan to ask this of the prosecuting attorney during the afore-mentioned jury selection? That'll get you excused, for sure.

graduation portraits in corn - Actually, I have no good remark about this. It just makes me giggle! Children of the Corn, indeed!

is anyone not listening out there - Well, if we aren't, we can't very well answer your question, now can we?

when did jungle gyms disappear - This is like one of those lofty questions about extinction, isn't it? "No one has seen the furry, bug-eyed wha-hoozat since the days when the jungle gyms disappeared from the land..."

get confused take Tamoxifen - I hope that's not a strategy, mate. Because Tamoxifen's not going to be helpin' with that confusion you got goin' on there. I speak from experience.

space creature names - Amazingly, this is something my site does not address. Clearly an oversight, and I vow to get right on it.

how to knit your hair - Wow, and I thought I was crafty. Sounds like I need turn "5 Things To Do When You Lose Your Hair" into "6 Things to Do..."

pirate name that will go with Kathy - Captain Alix! Goes great with "Kathy."

busty goldilocks - Okay, that just seems pervy. It's a fairy-tale, for gosh-sake's! Although...it did take the searcher to my post on "Goldilocks and the Three Bras." "Pot, meet kettle." "Black!"

instructions on how to make kids cocktails - Oh, I so don't want to know about this! Do you really need to be told not to do this?

different boob charts - Is this implying that there are multiple boob charts available, and you want to compare the various ones?

does my local post office have my package yet - Gee, I don't know. Maybe you might want to ask THEM instead of Yahoo?

i need to find my package - I sincerely hope this is the same person, because it worries me to think that there are hundreds of people without packages, desperately running web searches to ask where they are, instead of calling the darn mail carrier.

great mean things to say to someone - Oh, wonderful. Not only does this confirm that there are deliberately mean people out there, but that they try to be RESOURCEFUL in their meanness! Ew.

little barbie graduation - Aww, all the little fashion dolls tossing their caps in the air...what could be cuter! Makes me want to take more subversive fashion doll photographs, or put the ones I already have back online. Then you'll be able to search on no life and end up here, too!

dog poop color chart - Just do NOT tell me why you want that. You're looking for different boob charts, too, aren't you?

cannot read smudged code - Hold it closer to the screen and I'll see if I can make it out. Hmmm, nope, I can't read it, either. (Please tell me you aren't a rookie spy doing something really important out in the field, because the story in my head is threatening national security.)

why does my hand hurt when i'm sad - Tell me, now...wouldn't you be a little bit distrustful if I gave you a reason?

save me from myself - This would be a good time to call someone in the Real World. The one without a keyboard interface.

what would lola bunny look like if she were human - I have no response to that.

Perhaps my favorite ones, though, are the ones from apparently quite committed DIYers, looking for specialized information with these searches:

make your own lesbian

create my own pirate man

For these Weird Science folks, I solemnly promise that once I figure out how to accomplish these tasks, I will definitely post a tutorial. But I'm not sure when that will be as I'm a bit stuck on the first one. Do you think I should try experimenting with marshmallows, lipstick, and a magazine clipping as the starting point, or move straight to stardust and bubbly potions? I do want to be efficient.

I'm not sure what it is, but reading through all of these search queries leads me to imagine a big ballroom full of people. Everyone carries a drink in their hand and mills around the big trade show booth in the center (a.k.a. my website) as they murmur their searches under their breath. "Jury duty excuse, Vicodin. Jury duty excuse, Vicodin." "Need to find my package, need to find my package." Occasionally they bump into each other and pause momentarily, startled. But then they continue on, repeating their personal mantra as they search for unfathomable answers.

Me? I'm the one pretending to check the cables under my skirted booth table, trying hard to smother my giggles in the name of professionalism. And when someone comes to my booth asking about pirates or breast cancer or cats or home improvement, I crawl out from under the table to throw my arms around them excitedly. Thank goodness that even in this crazy, mixed up world, someone finds the right place!

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