What You Should Do Is This...
Three times out of five, if I tell someone that I was just diagnosed with cancer, they have someone for me to call, a website for me to check out, or an exercise program for me to try. A woman I'm working with insists I must call her colleague who healed herself using a special alternative therapy. A guy giving me a quote for work on the house insists I must visit a website before I start chemo, because I can heal myself with sunshine and a trust in God. Friends and acquaintances give me phone numbers for 'amazing nutritionists' or ask for my address to send me literature. I receive links to anti-cancer diets that I'm told I should start following right now.
Some people have gone a step further and have questioned the motives of those providing my care, saying things like, "Oncologists get rich of off chemotherapy; she's not prescribing it for your sake!" They say my only choice is to see someone else, and I bet they can find the number for me. Others try to engage me in a debate between traditional vs. alternative therapy, reminding me that my life is at stake. They seem to feel that if they tell me just the right piece of information, I will become enlightened and, ultimately, cured.
To this, I feel like shouting, "Woah, woah, woah!" Does anyone remember who they are talking to? You know, the research diva who weighs every option carefully, who regularly looks up six obscure facts before breakfast much the way the Red Queen believed six impossible things? At what point did everyone think I became incapable of making the right decision all by myself?
Perhaps the most frustrating thing is that the intention behind all this advice is good. People are offering advice because they really do care about me and want me to be healthy. That's frustrating because what I really need is not hear this advice, as all it does is raise my stress level and leave me feeling unsettled. Instead I smile, nod, and hope they drop the subject.
If you've always been healthy, you may wonder why this is such a big deal. What's the problem when people give you off-base advice? After all, you can just ignore them...right?
The thing is, when you've been diagnosed with a serious illness and have committed to a path of treatment, getting contradictory advice is disruptive. It is draining to rehash your decision-making process, list the sources for your research, and defend the integrity of your medical team. That's all wasted energy, anyway. Where you really need to put your energy is into following the healing path that you've already committed to, and trusting those you have chosen as trustworthy. Anything else is counter-productive to healing.
Besides, thanking people for their advice and moving on is rarely the end of the story. Once people give advice, they often become invested in the outcome. They want to know what you do, so they'll check up on you. "What did you think of the book? Wasn't that part about radiation interesting?" "Have you called her yet? You need to call her, your really do." "Is that food on the list? I don't want you to get sicker." They can appear visibly disappointed when they see that you didn't change your mind. "Oh, you're not going to go with a more holistic approach? You know chemo is poison, don't you?" "Why are you doing that?"
Perhaps you can see the problem. Now, I'm writing this as a cancer patient, but I'm pretty sure that I've been on the other side of this conversation. As a compulsively helpful person (and research diva!) it's probably the case that I've eagerly shared medical advice without understanding the impact that it has on the recipient. So, to everyone I've ever given advice to while they were sick, I apologize. I was wrong, and I am sorry I didn't show enough trust in your own wisdom to keep quiet.
That's why I've come up with some guidelines, both to guide myself in the future and to offer suggestions for those of you who are in a quandary about how to help your friends. They're pretty basic:
- Ask permission before you send any books or brochures, to see if your friend even wants the material. If they give you the go ahead, make it clear when you send the literature that your friend is under no obligation to read the material.
- Even if this kills you, avoid following up to see if your friend has read a particular book, called someone you recommended, or signed up for a program. If your friend wants more information from you, she will ask.
- If you can't restrain yourself from alerting your friend to a particular treatment option, bring up the topic briefly and let your friend ask you if she wants to hear more. For example, "I read something interesting the other day about cancer centers in Mexico that are entirely herb-based. Let me know if you want the details." Notice that I didn't phrase it, "Can I tell you about it?" That's because the rules of polite discourse will compel most of us to say yes, even if we mean please, no. Instead, just put it out there - your friend will ask more if it is of interest.
And after following those guidelines, be sure to drop the subject. Potentially, drop it forever. Let go of the idea that you are the one to save your friend and start trusting that she has the capacity to make the right choices that are right for her.
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