Who Would Be In Your Entourage?

Recently, I rewatched an episode of 30 Rock where Jenna, upset that Tracy Jordan was getting more attention than her, created her own entourage. Tracy already had his entourage -- Grizz and Dot Com, two really big guys who gossip well and know how to lose to Tracy when playing video games. Jenna's entourage was a bit different, appearing to consist mostly of young, gay men whom she hired to be bitchy to others while making her feel pretty. It just goes to show that everyone has different entouragorial (yeah, totally made that word up) needs.

It made me consider, what if I had my own entourage? What positions would I need filled that are specific to my personal needs? Because, you know, if I won Lotto and was living The Life, I'd have to have to staff up with specialists. None of those generic "personal assistants" for me.

Here's what I came up with as a start list of the people who could make my life easier:

The Person Who Packages Things Up and Mails Them for Me - I tell you, my friends would be getting things in the mail from me all time time, if only I'd just package up the damn things and send them off! Seriously, I have little piles of "Send to Kelly" or "Send to Christine" that have been sitting there for months. Okay, in one case, a year. Now, I know it isn't that hard to mail stuff out, and certainly, I've sold a lot of stuff on eBay in the past, where you have to have a system. But I just can't get it together long term. I think I'm deficient in some sort of vitamin that enables postal mailing. At any rate, there's an easy job...and imagine how many people would be made happy! ("Omigod! Alix sent me something else cool in the mail! This time it's...um...dryer lint? Alix, just because now you can doesn't mean you should.")

The Person Who Reassures Tilly and Lola that Mom Will Be Back SOON - Whoever says that cats are aloof and independent...well, they don't live with my two girls. I often say that they'd be happy if I carried them strapped to my chest all day. But that's not actually true; what they really want is for me to stay home all day, preferably in a position where they can sit on me. Mom mustn't go anywhere, because obviously, she might never come back. (I think there is a name for this attachment phase.) While I know that having someone stay with them isn't going to appease them, at least they can be constantly reminded, "She's coming back. Soon! No, really, she is." Sigh.

Person Who Brings Me Thing When Lola and Tilly are Laying On Me - Because, when two cats manage to curl up together on my outstretched legs-and fall asleep without biting each other-I am not moving. Which is, of course, exactly what they intend. If someone could bring me a cup of tea or a book, that would be very nice. Oh, and drop something loud about an hour later, so I can dash to the bathroom after they leap off of me, startled by the noise. (That way, it's not my fault. I can always put hydrogen peroxide on those claw marks after I'm done in the bathroom.)

The Person Who Plays with my Hair - like in second grade. I think this would be the most important person in my entourage. Her job would simply be to spend the day constantly stroking my hair, maybe braiding it, then brushing it out again. All day long. Now, wouldn't that be nice? Come to think of it, a little scalp massage wouldn't hurt from time-to-time, either.

There would be more openings, but thankfully, Kathy is currently juggling a number of roles, and with expert flair. (And, you know, she's already been outsourced once in the last six months; I'm not pouring salt into that wound!) Here are a few of the key entourage roles that she has already filled:

Decent TV Show Locator - This involves previewing shows for me, reading up on the critical buzz before premieres, and pretty much assuring that I never have to watch crap on TV. Now, that's a service! (Um, as well as a danger - there is more good TV out there than you might think, and she can find it. For those of you thinking, "One way to never watch crap is not to watch TV"...well, I just can't talk to you.)

The Person Who Reminds Me To Do The Obvious Thing That Will Make Me Feel Better - which is exactly what it sounds like. Kathy somehow manages to do this one without getting cranky. Here's how it goes: I comment on how my back really hurts, and she says something ingenious like, "Did you take some ibuprofen?" And then five minutes later, when I wince in the middle of doing something else, she asks, "Did you take the ibuprofen yet?" And then fifteen minutes later...you get the idea. I actually manage to completely forget about taking medicine in the intervening minutes, because...I don't know, I'm busy. Or stupid.

Art Consultant - this is the go-to person when my art project goes all pear-shaped on me. On good days, I ask her, "What do you think, this color or that one?" Or, "I was thinking of changing this part, but I don't want to overwhelm the composition." And then she, who claims not to be an artist, makes the suggestion that keeps me moving. On bad days, I say, "You really want to see it? There, see, there it is. See, it's horrible! It sucks! I SUCK! IT WILL NEVER BE OKAY AGAIN!" She then calmly suggests that maybe I could change the background, add some more curves, or the eternal favorite, "Why don't you just paint it with Titanium White and start over?" At which point I exclaim, "I can't do that! There are seven layers of paint in that spot and if I start over, I'll never be able to match it to this other section. I knew this wouldn't work!" Then I stomp down to the studio. Usually, less than an hour later, I call her down to show her the new version...which I created after laying on a nice base coat of Titanium White. Ahem.

So, what about you? If you had an entourage, what would you hire people to do? Leave me a comment and let me know. Who knows, one of us might win it big and it'll be useful to have the job descriptions already typed up. At least, that's my story.

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